A Father’s Worst Nightmare

Or, TheAmple Tries on Bras for the Internet

Turn back now, ye minors and those of tender constitution.  Because we’re about to get a bid rowdy all up in this blog today.  Readers, I have every intention of making this a very pulpy post where you’ll get to ogle a bunch of my bra choices, and maybe we can even have a little discussion about things, but I’m not counting on it.  After all, you’ve been through a lot these past couple weeks. You deserve it.

So, yesterday afternoon, I put on some comfy clothes that I could get naked in toute suite, grabbed my $100 stack of coupons, and dragged my floosy self over to the nearest Lane Bryant.  I’m normally a utilitarian underpants kinda gal – I have my comfy black bra from LB that I wear all the time, and more often than not, I’m wearing full-coverage knickers. They’re cozy, they breathe (because there’s nothing sexier than some breezy bits, you know what I’m saying?), and I don’t have to think too hard.

Friends, I’m trying to branch out.  So, here we are.  Are you ready?

Mom, dad, close your eyes.




ET VOILA. Ready to rock. (These are mine – wearing my superhero everyday bra, a Cacique racerback with a front closure, and the undies are suuuuper full-coverage Catherine’s.  Because you can’t put a price on comfort, amirite?)  So, some stuff that I usually have trouble with while bra shopping – I’m one of those unicorn fatties with smaller breasts than most lingerie companies expect. To be specific – I’m usually wearing a 42C, but that’s because stores don’t usually carry a 42B on the shelves, and I don’t have time or patience to wait for undies in the mail.  I can (and do) routinely go without wearing a bra at all (especially if I’m on a HOT DATE).  They’re just…not really there, in a gravitas-sense.  They exist, but they don’t really need much. This is awesome for some things (aforementioned braless flirting, being able to wear barely-there triangletitty bikini tops in the summer, etc.) and it also makes it somewhat difficult to buy bras, because as we all know, most companies think in this weird construct called “proportions.” I.e. if the band of the bra is larger, the breasts should be larger too.  And this just….is wrong.  On so many levels.  The idea of proportions is totally fucked, people. It’s another way of holding bodies up to an impossible, made-up standard that was constructed in some old white man’s head and not remotely in reality.  Also, it’s another way of willfully not knowing the many myriads of shapes that fat bodies (and bodies in general) can come in. People hold their fat in all sorts of amazing places, not just their tits and asses.  People hold fat in arms, necks, upper bellies, lower bellies, upper backs, knees, etc.  The idea that large people look like stretched-out versions of 36-24-36 small people is simply wrong.

So that’s what I have to say about that.

So, first up! This pink lacy longline number.


Full disclosure, I actually own this in black already.  It’s pretty great – I feel like a total champ in it.  The lace is super stretchy, which gives me peace of mind that it won’t dissolve in, ahem, moments of passion, as it were.  The straps are very functional in the sense that they don’t slip down my shoulders so I don’t have to do that weird adjusting dance.  The cup is half softcup and half lace, so there’s a nice lift/support coming up from the bottom.  The only thing is that in my 42C version, my breasts are just on the other side of acceptable in the “filling the cup out” arena.  However, if you have some nice coupons, I highly recommend this baby.



So, HERE is the problem when you try to sell lingerie by dress size and not by bra size!  You get a WEIRD Halloweeny garment that literally BILLOWS in the tit-area.  Literally billowing.  I tried my best to capture the sheer amount of extra fabric flopping around my breasts, but no media can accurately describe it.  This terrible piece was a 22/24….full stop.  Not a 22/24C, or a 22/24B.  Just 2 dress sizes smashed together, and no more specificity to speak of.  Okay, Lane Bryant, I get it, my small fat-girl tits are a total abomination.  Also, dear god, this piece.  It just….hides all the amazing things about my body that I would want to show off to someone.  LB, what are we doing here?

Okay, not that we need to get any more conservative after that, but here’s their superhero comfy balconette:




So I actually kind of loved this.  True, it’s mostly simple, but it was comfortable as all get-out.  It’s covered in a smooth black jersey and there’s little lacey scalloping on the perimeter.  And here it is in a coral lace and a black lace:



I actually shocked myself at how much I was feeling this!  This probably wouldn’t be my go-to for a va-va-voom first date, but I would definitely rock this on a day-to-day, or feel great about wearing it with a partner that wasn’t new: it’s clearly comfy, but it also has a nice amount of spice and quirk that I think is fun and flirtatious.  I don’t necessarily need to be devastatingly adorned all the time.

Buuuuuut, speaking of devastatingly adorned…


So, I bought this puppy right up.  Stats: softcup with zero padding to speak of, sturdy underwire, combination of lace and netting, GREAT lift.  And I’m not normally a pink person, but there was something about this shade, it made me like it.  Also I greatly enjoy the fact that it’s lacy and adorned and feminine without being too cupcake-y.  Nothing wrong with folks who are into that, but it’s not my personal aesthetic, and I strongly believe there needs to be a larger, less “cute” variety of plus-size clothing in general.  I don’t feel cute in this at all, I feel hot as fuck, and I appreciate that.

And now for this fishnet illusion bra, or, “I too can be a sweet angel baby”:

It’s white and I don’t hate it!  This is a great full-coverage bra with a little bit of interest.  I find it sexy in a low-key way.  Like you’re an angel of sensuality, but you’re so cool with it that you don’t really need to prove anything to anyone.  Know what I mean?  And below is the lace version of the same thing:

I aaaaaaalmost bought this, I was so into it.  The only reason I didn’t is because I tried on something with the same color scheme that was 100% sexier and more ridiculously boob-flaunting:



Liiiiiiiiiiike.  Whaaaaaat?  This is so hot.  Also, this bra comes with hilarious airbed inserts that you can stick into the jersey lining of the bra.  You can also take them out, which is what I did.  But the massive cleavage-y closeup above where I’m making a shocked face illustrates what it’s like with the inserts.  So, obviously, I had to get this one.  The goal of this shopping trip was to make a fleshed out post, yeah, but I also wanted to pick up some things on the sexier side.  So, this bra: CHECK.

Okay, and speaking of sex, I’m about to bring out the coup de grâce. 


Do you see that look on my face?  That’s a look of “OHHH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THEY EVEN DONE”….in a good way.  Also, the fun doesn’t stop in the front:

Bonus: ass and back fat ❤

Yeahhhhhh.  So, this was a 42C. The incredible size of the cups versus the smallish size of my boobs was too much to ignore on this one (think…open oyster shells with a tiiiny pearl inside), so I ordered one special at the counter.  In all black.  (Funny story: the employee was like “I’m sorry, there’s no pink color in that size…they only have all black” and I was like “MY HERO”.) But…this….is….SO GOOD.  That strappy back?  Dear god.  Also, it was incredibly comfortable!  LB did such a good thing on this one!  (I’m sure I could start some shit; say, a side-by-side comparison of all the choices in various flavors of sexy at Victoria’s Secret, and get all ragey about lack of access, BUT that’s another post. This one is just about bras.  And boob-ogling.)

And that’s the end, folks!  I ended up buying three: the pink fishnet lacey one, the BOOB-focused black lacey pushup, and the strappy-back balconette.

What were your favorites?  What are your standard bra-fit issues?  And the biggest question….

Where do you buy lingerie this ISN’T Lane Bryant??!?!

Drop me a line in the comments (suuuper easy, you don’t even need to sign in) and we’ll have a chat!


3 thoughts on “A Father’s Worst Nightmare

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